The Judge Who Loved A Horse...

So what makes something underrated? How can one define it? Certainly, the notion of what's underrated (or overrated) manifests itself quite differently with all of us. Where I might say Sylvester Stallone is (though I probably wouldn't), you might say Angelina Jolie is (which you probably shouldn't). Maybe I feel John Fante is a colossally ignored author and maybe you think whoever it was that wrote The DaVinci Code is "totally badass." What I'm driving at is that we all have our little secret delights, our guilty pleasures; those "things" in life that no one seems to appreciate but you. Take the recent revelations of one Alex Kozinski, a Federal Judge of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals (see inset) who apparently believes the idea of bestiality is underrated, and proved his undying devotion to the ill-appreciated art by posting a sweet, sweet video of a man, a horse, and the ensuing good time on his personal site. Of course this only makes me wonder: a) what have I been missing? and b) how have I not come to this same conclusion? Looks like ol' Judge Kozinski, also knowns as "Spanks With A Horse," his god-given Indian name, has been holding out on us (for shits and giggles, I'm sure). Maybe we're all holding out, but thanks to the inspiring example set forth by the good judge, I intend to promote my own treasured (and not so treasured) secrets for any who might care to know.

Obviously there are certain levels and different degrees of being under-appreciated, and these parameters can't be ignored when judging the criteria of underrated (or overrated) material. Let's take Indiana Jones, for example, since the Spielberg/Lucas franchise has become freshly relevant with the release of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. To fanboys, the Indiana Jones trilogy is top-notch Hollywood; heroic, macho cinema at its finest. To critics and less enthusiastic bastards the Jones series is nothing more than simplistic action stories set to the beat of a glorified treasure hunt. Another example; the music duo Ween. They could be classified as underrated, for rarely are the mentioned in mainstream circumstances, yet they have a massive cult fanbase who, at behest of the band, would eat their own family. Raw. I personally believe the measure of Ween's talent lays some where between a dried up, rotting, semen-filled, week-old condom and a really gnarly booger. Although I'm sure my ugly comments directed at this "whimsical" band will upset fans, that last statement might earn me my Rushdie-like fatwa I've so eagerly desired. So, to sum this point up: finding anything that can be universally agreed upon as underrated (or overrated) presents a problem nearly as difficult as trying not to scoop out your eyes with a melon-baller whenever Rosie O'Donnell waddles her happy ass on your television screen. Actually, that's an easy one. You melon-ball those bad boys.

But just like our old pal Judge Kozinski, there are a great deal of things, from books to ideas to three-toed sloths to yes, even bestiality (could sloth+sex= $$$!?!) that barely flicker on the general Joe-Shmo's radar. In some cases, it's because things can get clumped together, like the 80's "hair" band Faster Pussycat. These guys actually made some quality tunes in the latter part of the 1980's, but their status as a "hair" band (clumping!) keeps them relegated to a forlorn prison of spandex and hairspray. You don't have to pull a dramatic Cruiseian (as in Tom) maneuver if you give them a chance and decide they're worth more than two rat's asses, but you can take satisfaction in knowing you're experiencing something not too many can or ever do. Which is kickin' it with Faster Pussycat. Hell, even "Spanks With A Horse" was simply exploring some new avenues of entertainment which, understandably in his case, are often eschewed by the general public. But I for one would like to shake his hand. Unless that hand had just been wrapped around a nice, juicy horse shlong, in which case I'll just settle for a wink and a nod.

No doubt many of the things I'd like to discuss here will be seen (if ever seen at all) as silly, trivial, offensive, pathetic, down right goofy, et cetera. But hey, what's our existence worth if you can't piss somebody off or start a nasty argument every once in a while? I sure hope I can, here, on this puny, ridiculous blog. Maybe what I have to say is not as fun or stress-relieving (or sexy!) as bestiality, but it might be able to provide good, cheap, and guilty thrills, even if they are, at heart, only brief encounters with pleasure.