"I’ve Never Seen A Homeless Guy With A Bottle Of Gatorade."

I don't think I've ever been terribly upset upon hearing of any particular celebrity's death. George Carlin may be the first. It's not that I want to cry about it or anything, and besides, ol' George wouldn't really want me to do that anyway. He knows I didn't know him (or did know). But he is the first person of note to die in several years that mattered a wit, at least to me. He's well knows for his stand-up comedy performances (though quite unlike most other cookie cutter comedians) than he was a blazing, acerbic, pissed off, musing, curious, and no-bullshit social commentator. Yeah, sure, it was kinda sad to hear about Timmy Russert, but let's face it, Carlin actually gave honest and truthful insight (sometimes misconstrued as mean) on the shitty and dark side of our twisted humanity, whereas Russert only reported it. Russert was a reporter, informed and educated, sure, but George was an enlightened philosopher of the world, consequently dismissed through the use of harsh and vulgar language. Which is exactly the way his world (and ours) tends to be.

I Actually, I got to see the man when I was 14 or 15, to young to understand everything he had to say, but at least wise enough to understand that he possessed a keen passion that many lack in any field in which they might endeavor. And it was a ferocious passion that he never lost, even through old age, as he was doing shows up until a week before his death.

As tiring as it is to hear, Carlin is best known for his Seven Words You Can't Say On TV bit, but spending hours reviewing many of his highlights, new and old, it becomes painfully obvious that he was much more important than that alone. Like myself, he thoroughly enjoyed ranting of his "psychotic fucking hatreds" concerning those that take themselves too seriously. You know the ones: religious fools, feminist fanatics, environmentalist do-gooders and the like. And you gotta admit, who doesn't enjoy soundly belittling and berating these self-righteous pricks? He wanted to do away with all those annoying bastards we all have to deal with every day and even devised creative and entertaining ideas about how to off these shitheads. Such as disemboweling "up-scale, yuppie, green peace, environmentally conscious assholes" with a wooden cooking spoon somewhere deep in a forest. Social injustices and an apathetic world population were also another matter that vehemently invigorated Carlin, something he never failed to touch on in any of his performances. He never felt sorry for those he felt dug their own whole, and in return, desired no quarter himself.

It wouldn't be hard, from listening to descriptions of Carlin's opinionated raves and rants, to succumb to the misconception that the man is simply an angry miscreant whose only wish is to stir up trouble. Tsk, tsk. Not only was the man a comedian of the highest order, unlike many of his ilk, he provocations were meant to make you think, not just laugh. No doubt, many of his convictions are a hard pill to swallow, for those who take life just a wee bit seriously, which that was fine by him. Wildfires engulfing the west and levee-breaking floods in the mid-west, to Carlin, were just desserts for those residing in those areas. He told the "sassy" and "tough" hostesses of the View that man had tested nature to the limits and they saw fit to build, build, build, where building should have ceased some time ago, and only "unenlightened half-wits" could have destroyed our once beautiful land. He believed in using words, plain and simple, such as "cripple" (now physically "challenged" or "disabled"), and violently disagrees with substituting "constipation" with "occasional irregularity," and to use anything else was only a "grotesque evasion" of the truth used by "smug, greedy, well-fed white people." He believed that people were becoming whiny, soft, wasteful, negligent, obese, greedy conspicuously consuming asshole fuckheads. And, you know what? He was right. Carlin's realistic and gritty beliefs go on and on, most of which, I staunchly agree with, and now that he's gone, there are a rare few left to disseminate these essential p.o.v.'s with as much bravery as he did. There'll be no replacing him.

There's so much to say about George Carlin and I could keep going for quite some time. The man's got way too many brilliant insights and commentaries to discuss thoroughly in one dumb little blog, so I'll leave it up to you to find your favorites. Nearly all his stand-up performances are on YouTube, along with various other clips. If you don't think he's funny, then you're probably part of the problem Mr. Carlin so violently railed against. And I don't doubt he'd think you deserved to be hit repeatedly in the face with large pieces of mining equipment.






50 Good Ones From My Man George (Ok, 51, but the shit about Helen Keller is too funny)

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?