The Little Robot's Sermon

So I'd like to know why everyone is bashing on WALL-E? Okay, maybe "bashing" is not the right adjective, but it's hard to find very many completely pleased with this cinematic masterpiece. And yes, godamnit, it is a masterpiece. What movie in the past, oh, I don't know, say 20 years at least, has presented itself with such heart, emotion or depth? A story about robots has turned out to be more humanistic than any crap hitting the big screen recently or in the future. Slap my balls and call me Billie Jean!

At my time of viewing, to be fair, I had not seen the last Pixar hit, Ratatouille, and as of late, I have remedied that situation. Here's my account of that half-ass excuse for a kid's movie: Two turds down! With second-rate character voices such as Patton Oswalt and whoever the fuck voiced the whiny, perpetually annoying chef accompanied by a tired story of child/family seperation I found myself more interested in my dog taking a shit on the floor in front of me. Seriously, I was so bored that I'm even willing to believe that VH1's Celebrity Fit Club would have been a much more suitable alternative for some shits and giggles. The point is, with the exception of Finding Nemo (trust me, I know you think it's awesome!) I have now witnessed, first-hand, every major Pixar production. At least I think so.

Actually, other than Toy Story, when I was 10, I had never experienced any other Pixar film on the big screen. Maybe that's why I don't find Ratatouille entertaining, clever or original, but still, it just wasn't very good. You want me to believe that a rat can't speak our human language, but that it can prepare our food? It should be a rule, if you're lead character can cook, then he better damn well talk. Well, I mean if he's a rat in a children's movie anyway.

This summer, so far, I've seen a new movie on opening weekend for at least the past month and a half, not to mention indulging in various DVD rentals and maybe even a trip or two to the discount dollar theater and yet, none of these films have come close to the magic of WALL-E. The Incredible Hulk was certainly not incredible and pales to the pacing, story, humor and wit of its summer blockbuster predecessor Iron Man. A pleasant surprise Iron Man, as it is the best super-hero movie in ages, and Jon Favreau has outdone himself in the genre. Of course, that title is contingent upon the release of The Dark Knight, flying into theaters very soon. Hancock was a fairly-well executed attempt at a humanistic portrayal of superheroes but the translation and execution of the premise was lost around the last fourth of the film. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was better than most want to give it credit but still only ranks as the fourth best Jones flick. However, I must add that it's simply frustrating to think that there might be additional installments in the franchise. Steven Spielberg surely knows when to let a series go, via Jurassic Park, but Georgie Boy Lucas, on the other hand, seems to love marinating in the stew of shittiness that are his franchises.

Sadly, I've missed out on some films that look like winners such as Kung Fu Panda, but as for other "acclaimed" silver screeners like Wanted, I have to say, I'm relieved I didn't get conned into. Trust me when I say that I'd much prefer sniffing a dirty bum's asshole than view any Angelina Jolie vehicle.

With the exception of About Schmidt, I have never witnessed, or better, experienced another film that had the ability to elicit tears (that's right, tears) when I considered the legacy of my future and the fragility of my existence. 700 years from now, the amount of time WALL-E spends roaming Earth by his lonesome before his encounter with E.V.E., who will remember you or what you did last week? What happens to our treasured materials, our favorite TV programs, our beloved books, our precious music? It's dramatically disheartening to ponder on such a future and wonder what kind of fodder our lives will be for someone, or some robotic life-form, in 700 years. Hell, for that matter, how about even 100 years?

If you want to know the real truth though, I actually found the sweet and compelling love story between our hero WALL-E and his synthetic girlfriend E.V.E. the true tearjerker, though not because it's sad in any way, but due to its buoyant optimism. Little WALL-E shows no fear, even in the face titanic challenges, in his attempts to rescue his new found love. The concern the two have share over each other is so innocent and true, you'll find yourself wishing you behaved more like WALL-E or E.V.E. within your own personal relationships.

I've had friends and acquaintances alike inform me of their perceived faults with WALL-E which have culminated into an interesting conclusion. Parents, young and old, seemed to have faulted the movie mainly on the content of its message (but I've also heard these same people snort krazy-glue). It seems that WALL-E is too "preachy" concerning the portrayal of a scorned and useless earth stemming from years of human abuse, and, as well, concerning the plight of the incompetent humans wasting away deep in the galaxy aboard a luxurious space station while Earth sits to rot. People, or more specifically, adults, don't seem to find enjoyment in watching a "children's" film where they're lambasted as complete fucking morons, where Pixar admonishes us with a warning: "See what happens, you shitheads, when your waste, want and greed plunders our fragile little planet?" Adults, I believe, would rather see humans characterized as "bad" guys that are capable and intelligent rather than ignorant fuck-ups. Which just so happens to be more realistic and closer to the truth of human nature. But hey, who wants realism in a children's movie?

WALL-E simply never dumbs itself down to a certain demographic, a feat rarely attempted by any "children's" movie. Though if a studio could be credited for maintaining certain adult elements in their films, it would be Pixar. Sure, there's not much dialog in the first 40 minutes or so. Sure, the message comes on strong and extremely obvious, albeit draped in a love story between two robots, WALL-E and E.V.E. And sure, it makes you think on and question matters you might not find desirable when enjoying a "children's" film. That's exactly why this little animated production has pushed the envelope much farther than previous "cartoon" movies. Name any other movie, children's or not, that has forced the parent and the child to consider their far-off futures and where a desolate future, such as the one in WALL-E, has its origins. Well, maybe WALL-E's "disturbing" content is too much for the mind of a young child to ponder upon. Of course these same lame-brained, anti-intellectual parents, who condemn WALL-E's urgent message, will also be the ones taking their little ones to see The Dark Knight, which, I'm sure, is much more suitable for kids.

If this all seems a little too "preachy," well, it's probably because you understand elements of the truth that WALL-E shove in your face. Maybe you don't want to hear it, maybe you don't believe it or maybe you're just scared as hell. Ignoring it is probably the best way to go about, I'm sure.

I don't hear anyone complaining of adult films presenting the same type of messages, so why must we pick on our little friend WALL-E?