My Morning Jizz v. Coldshit... All Sizze, No Fizzle!

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The Little Robot's Sermon

So I'd like to know why everyone is bashing on WALL-E? Okay, maybe "bashing" is not the right adjective, but it's hard to find very many completely pleased with this cinematic masterpiece. And yes, godamnit, it is a masterpiece. What movie in the past, oh, I don't know, say 20 years at least, has presented itself with such heart, emotion or depth? A story about robots has turned out to be more humanistic than any crap hitting the big screen recently or in the future. Slap my balls and call me Billie Jean!

At my time of viewing, to be fair, I had not seen the last Pixar hit, Ratatouille, and as of late, I have remedied that situation. Here's my account of that half-ass excuse for a kid's movie: Two turds down! With second-rate character voices such as Patton Oswalt and whoever the fuck voiced the whiny, perpetually annoying chef accompanied by a tired story of child/family seperation I found myself more interested in my dog taking a shit on the floor in front of me. Seriously, I was so bored that I'm even willing to believe that VH1's Celebrity Fit Club would have been a much more suitable alternative for some shits and giggles. The point is, with the exception of Finding Nemo (trust me, I know you think it's awesome!) I have now witnessed, first-hand, every major Pixar production. At least I think so.

Actually, other than Toy Story, when I was 10, I had never experienced any other Pixar film on the big screen. Maybe that's why I don't find Ratatouille entertaining, clever or original, but still, it just wasn't very good. You want me to believe that a rat can't speak our human language, but that it can prepare our food? It should be a rule, if you're lead character can cook, then he better damn well talk. Well, I mean if he's a rat in a children's movie anyway.

This summer, so far, I've seen a new movie on opening weekend for at least the past month and a half, not to mention indulging in various DVD rentals and maybe even a trip or two to the discount dollar theater and yet, none of these films have come close to the magic of WALL-E. The Incredible Hulk was certainly not incredible and pales to the pacing, story, humor and wit of its summer blockbuster predecessor Iron Man. A pleasant surprise Iron Man, as it is the best super-hero movie in ages, and Jon Favreau has outdone himself in the genre. Of course, that title is contingent upon the release of The Dark Knight, flying into theaters very soon. Hancock was a fairly-well executed attempt at a humanistic portrayal of superheroes but the translation and execution of the premise was lost around the last fourth of the film. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was better than most want to give it credit but still only ranks as the fourth best Jones flick. However, I must add that it's simply frustrating to think that there might be additional installments in the franchise. Steven Spielberg surely knows when to let a series go, via Jurassic Park, but Georgie Boy Lucas, on the other hand, seems to love marinating in the stew of shittiness that are his franchises.

Sadly, I've missed out on some films that look like winners such as Kung Fu Panda, but as for other "acclaimed" silver screeners like Wanted, I have to say, I'm relieved I didn't get conned into. Trust me when I say that I'd much prefer sniffing a dirty bum's asshole than view any Angelina Jolie vehicle.

With the exception of About Schmidt, I have never witnessed, or better, experienced another film that had the ability to elicit tears (that's right, tears) when I considered the legacy of my future and the fragility of my existence. 700 years from now, the amount of time WALL-E spends roaming Earth by his lonesome before his encounter with E.V.E., who will remember you or what you did last week? What happens to our treasured materials, our favorite TV programs, our beloved books, our precious music? It's dramatically disheartening to ponder on such a future and wonder what kind of fodder our lives will be for someone, or some robotic life-form, in 700 years. Hell, for that matter, how about even 100 years?

If you want to know the real truth though, I actually found the sweet and compelling love story between our hero WALL-E and his synthetic girlfriend E.V.E. the true tearjerker, though not because it's sad in any way, but due to its buoyant optimism. Little WALL-E shows no fear, even in the face titanic challenges, in his attempts to rescue his new found love. The concern the two have share over each other is so innocent and true, you'll find yourself wishing you behaved more like WALL-E or E.V.E. within your own personal relationships.

I've had friends and acquaintances alike inform me of their perceived faults with WALL-E which have culminated into an interesting conclusion. Parents, young and old, seemed to have faulted the movie mainly on the content of its message (but I've also heard these same people snort krazy-glue). It seems that WALL-E is too "preachy" concerning the portrayal of a scorned and useless earth stemming from years of human abuse, and, as well, concerning the plight of the incompetent humans wasting away deep in the galaxy aboard a luxurious space station while Earth sits to rot. People, or more specifically, adults, don't seem to find enjoyment in watching a "children's" film where they're lambasted as complete fucking morons, where Pixar admonishes us with a warning: "See what happens, you shitheads, when your waste, want and greed plunders our fragile little planet?" Adults, I believe, would rather see humans characterized as "bad" guys that are capable and intelligent rather than ignorant fuck-ups. Which just so happens to be more realistic and closer to the truth of human nature. But hey, who wants realism in a children's movie?

WALL-E simply never dumbs itself down to a certain demographic, a feat rarely attempted by any "children's" movie. Though if a studio could be credited for maintaining certain adult elements in their films, it would be Pixar. Sure, there's not much dialog in the first 40 minutes or so. Sure, the message comes on strong and extremely obvious, albeit draped in a love story between two robots, WALL-E and E.V.E. And sure, it makes you think on and question matters you might not find desirable when enjoying a "children's" film. That's exactly why this little animated production has pushed the envelope much farther than previous "cartoon" movies. Name any other movie, children's or not, that has forced the parent and the child to consider their far-off futures and where a desolate future, such as the one in WALL-E, has its origins. Well, maybe WALL-E's "disturbing" content is too much for the mind of a young child to ponder upon. Of course these same lame-brained, anti-intellectual parents, who condemn WALL-E's urgent message, will also be the ones taking their little ones to see The Dark Knight, which, I'm sure, is much more suitable for kids.

If this all seems a little too "preachy," well, it's probably because you understand elements of the truth that WALL-E shove in your face. Maybe you don't want to hear it, maybe you don't believe it or maybe you're just scared as hell. Ignoring it is probably the best way to go about, I'm sure.

I don't hear anyone complaining of adult films presenting the same type of messages, so why must we pick on our little friend WALL-E?

The Good, The Bad, And The Really, Really Shitty. [Pt. I]

Until recently, I had been feeling quite apathetic toward the music world. Once my dearest love, it had fallen to the wayside in the last several years, replaced with movies, jobs, masturbation and what have you. I must credit my friend and Three Minute Record blogmate in assisting in the re-ignition of my dying flame, as I have recently come soaring back to the world of music and all the treasures it has to offer.

Unfortunately, there are way more turds than golden nuggets (unless you count corn niblets) and it's taken great patience to weed out those unworthy of mine, or for that matter, anyone else's time as well. Over and over again I have encountered bands/musicians touted as the next best thing or that they were the best thing. Hardee har. As for the hunt of new tunes, I don't hesitate to say that for every one quality band/performer I encountered, there were seven to ten acts so stinky, it makes my ass smell sweeter.

Traversing magazine after magazine, and music site after music site, mainstream and underground alike, it's not to hard to place your finger on the pulse of the music world today, though, admittedly, it's different for everyone. I wanted to enlighten the world about what musical acts I considered decent and intelligent and the list presented here is my conception of that. This is most certainly not an all-encompassing list, but more like a list of music that has either struck a chord with me or took a shit in my ears. It should be apparent that I'm not including many genres and their sub-categories and so on, but like I said, this is by no means a universal listing. More like a starting point if you're wanting to discover some new bands or avoid bad ones like the plague. Some of those listed are already famous and for that I have no other excuse other than that I just enjoy raving on about those I despise.

Not every band/performer listed is new, per se, but have been currently active or have recently released musical work of some kind. Everyone one the list has produced some body of work in the pat few years. As far as the order goes, it's in no particular order, with the exception of the first few on each list, as those bands hold the honor of catching my fancy much more significantly than others, or in the case of the bottom half of the list, raising my ire like no other.

Obviously, this is one man's opinion. I hope I encourage debate or aggressive argument in posting this list. However, I doubt it, as the Second Perspective's fan list is quite short.

I have to immediately apologize to any friends who would disagree with me. Most assuredly, I would disagree with them as well.

The Good Stuff

Why?- These guys can and have been under-appreciated but it's time for that to stop. Lead singer (or lyricist if you prefer) Yoni Wolf and company have put together a masterpiece on their latest album, Alopecia. Low-key, but catchy and atmospheric music provides an excellent landscape for Mr. Wolf to paint his pictures with his clever rhymes and rants such as "I sleep on my back/cuz' it's good for the spine/and coffin rehearsal." It's moments like these that you can identify with, the sadness mixed with humoring smart-assness.

Man Man- I could go on and on about these guys. I've heard their live shows are what helped make them, and after YouTubing some of their performances, it's easy to see this is probably true. To sum them up succinctly: Man Man could be the mutinous crew of a pirate ship with Nick Cave as the captain and Tom Waits as first mate. If that doesn't pique your interest, well, you probably lack imagination.



Bon Iver- Simply one of the most haunting solo acts I've heard. Every song will crush your heart with its dire sadness and utter despair. And to think Justin Vernon did all this all his lonesome, in the bitter comfort of a cold Wisconsin forest.

The Cave Singers- Folk music with heart and catchy sensibility. Weirdly enough, this band emerged from the now defunct Pretty Girls Make Graves. If that's what it took to create this band then let's thank the god of indie music for allowing PGMG to die.

The Black Ghosts- Two rad dudes from England are making some of the poppiest and soulful (eww, I hate that word as much as you do) electronic music around. Don't let the "soulful" part fool you though. You can dance if you want too, but you can also still hear great melodies not robbed from the trains of previous acts.

Adam Green- The other, and way-better half of Moldy Peaches. Green is much more preferable and enjoyable than his counterpart Kimya Dawson, from Juno fame, who seems to find pleasure in making goofy children's songs. What's the most appreciated aspect of Green's work? Other than his 2002 album Garfield, not one of his songs are over 2 and a half minutes, with only a handful nearing the 3 minute mark. Please, for Juno 2, (nooooo!) let's see what Green can do.

The Dodos- Wow. A tw0-man group NOT doing some version of the blues. Is this legal? Of course, technically, the White Stripes have eschewed the bluesy sort of music as well. Of course, technically, the White Stripes suck.

Foals- Fun Brits make pop, with nice little oddities thrown in for good measure. All of their songs from Antidotes are good enough to make you play with yourself. Why do you think I enjoy listening to them?

Jay Reatard- Is it Reatard, as in retard, you think, or more French sounding, like re-uh-ta-ard? Either way this fella from Tennessee kicks ass. Since most punk bands suck now, and officially, aren't even punk, Reatard is a welcome breath of fresh air. Quick and to the point, he is, which is very similar to how one would enjoy sex with a minotaur.

Lykke Li- See the Shit List below for my small rant of ordinary, everyday women singer/songwriters and how wretched I find them to be. A striking opposition to these feelings are the ones I have developed for Lykke Li. If for every rough there's a diamond, this gal is as polished and pretty a diamond as you are likely to witness. Mixing some electronic blips with her smooth as hell voice and devastatingly elegant and touching melodies, Lykke Li can make you cry like a little titty-baby. Trust me, I know. Check out: Everybody But Me and Little Bit from Youth Novels.



Silver Jews- There are still a few good alt-country-ish bands out there, but it just so happens that Silver Jews are the cream of the crop. Now that Ryan Adams has fallen off his rocker, and Wilco can's Yankee Hotel Foxtrot as well as they once could, the torchbearers for tears falling in beers has been placed in the Jews' lap.

Small Sins- Nothing to get too worked up over here. Small Sins have developed some catchy and slightly dramatic tunes, though nothing out of the ordinary pops up. Some songs, such as Prove Me Wrong are downright creepy though, perfect for dark moods and darker thoughts.

Vetiver- Just as good, but probably better, than his labelmate co-captain Devendra Banhart. And without all this foolishness about crabs, birds, monkeys, et cetera. Though who doesn't enjoy some tasty crabs on their little monkeys?

Windmill- To be fair, many could find lead singer Matthew Thomas Dillon's vocals quite maddening. They are on frequency level of a very high nature. Fortunately, his songs are soaked with heart that bleed with considerable longing, propped up by catchy-as-hell melodies. Fluorescent Lights, a song from Puddle City Racing Lights wistfully draws up images of people, places, memories and things you love, will always love, and an understand that you can't get a way from them. But what if you want to escape the memory of getting a bathroom blowjob from the sloppy-joe lady in high school? Well...you're fucked.

Genghis Tron- While everything else on the list has mostly been centered in the broad category of pop, though a few delve from this, Genghis Tron is located smack dab in the metal section. While there are certainly several worthy metal bands currently, Genghis Tron have mixed heavy riffs and bloody vocals with electronic experimentation to the right degree. Certainly not your run-of-the-mill metal up your ass! (Bonus points earned for one of the coolest names of this century)



The Shit List

The Hold Steady- I guess their music is okay, if not a little generic at times. However, Craig Finn's vocals sound like horseshit, and the very thought of them severely grates my nerves. Calling them cheesy (and annoying) would only be an insult to dairy products. (Yes, I stole that last insult). But really, what's with all the praise? You'd think they were the new Radiohead or Beck the way some fools make such a fuss about them. Don't you just love the cliche, Bruce Springsteen thing going on too? Maybe, a more appropriate moniker would have been the Mini-Bosses? Well, okay. The Shitty-Bosses.


Albert Hammond, Jr.- Uh, stick to the Stokes dude. No. Really.

Uh Huh Her- Great. Another duo of chicks singing to damningly cookie-cutter, electro-dance, groove beats. It's not that their just awful, it's just that it's so goddamn boring. And, to the dismay of some, their not even lesbos. By the way, that's a real deep P.J. Harvey nod with the name. Like, sooooo deep!

Coldplay- Some say their newest album Viva la Vida sounds like the Coldplay we all know and love. Some say it's a new direction for the band. I say it sucks.

My Morning Jacket- This native band of Louisville, at one time, pumped out excellent tunes of lonesome despair and small-town emotions. Now they insist on feeding us overstuffed, half-baked jams accompanied with their worthless imitations of "soul" music. This is what happens when you let undeserving praise from the likes of Rolling Stone and Spin Magazine fill your head with dreams of saving the music world. You become bloated and obsolete, albeit unknowingly, because retarded fans still buy your rotten albums. Though it's lame as hell and uber-generic, I'm sure hardcore MMJ diehards posit this album to be the second coming. If you're referring to the second coming of the food in my stomach, sirs, you are absolutely correct.

My Brightest Diamond- Actually, you could throw in any number of Tori Amos wannabes here. I just picked this little lady out because, well, she's one you encounter often when perusing the current music scene, or maybe because she's the first one I thought of. Who cares or knows. Is this crap supposed to evoke some type of emotion in me? Are these overly dramatic croonings meant to make me swoon in the arms of a lover or choke up on thoughts of a long, lost love? You'll get more heartbroken by drinking a bottle of Beam's Eight Star and then smashing the bottle over your own head. And if you enjoy this pap, you should smash something much more life-threatening over your head. Please. Other copycats and piano-driven drivel: Joan as Police Woman, Sam Phillips, and Jessie Baylin. Avoid at all costs, unless you're an angsty, bitchy teenage girl who enjoys cutting themselves for attention. Or for fun.

The Futureheads - Uh, is any song different than the last? Good god, kill these insipid bitches.

Sounds Like Violence- Music can't get any dumber than this. Sounds Like Violence? Sounds more like dead hookers stuffed with rotten eggs. Wait a second. Let me think about that last statement. Mmmmmmm.......delish!

Circuits- Too close in similarity to one of the worse bands of all time, Cage the Elephant. It's likely that you haven't heard of Cage the Elephant and if this is just world, which it's probably not, you never will. Don't you just love shitty Americans who add English drawls to their shitty voices and mix it with their version of shitty white-boy funk? Oh, wait. Seems they are British. And it seems they still suck something awful.

Van Tramp- In all of my recent findings, no band has made me gag and puke, not unlike Carnie Wilson at a Ryan's Steakhouse buffet, than this silly excuse for a band. Basically, if you enjoy horribly generic, contemporary Christian rock, you will like this band. Hell, if you're that bananas, you'll love these pathetic whores. If God's responsible for this mess, then I'm personally pole-axing his dumb kid, JC, when he comes back for a second go-round. Amen.

R.E.M.- Question: Does anyone give two greasy shits about what Mikey Stipe, the poor man's Bono, has to say? I doubt it. To further comparisons of lameness, R.E.M. even worked with Jacknife Lee, a former U2 associate. Thanks to their new album, Accelerate, which is shockingly receiving critical merit, we can all enjoy 11 new tracks of complete mediocrity from a band who has made a career on peddling complete mediocrity.

























That's it for now folks. There's plenty more I'd like to applaud and plenty more I'd like to condemn, so tune in later for some more down and dirty insight!

Today's Topic: What To Say When You Don't Know What To Say...

I have to admit something. Its been exceedingly difficult to write about shit on here. Initially, I wanted to navigate this blog with singular purpose, poised to astound minds with my witty insight and blasphemous humor. Well... damn. Harder than I thought. What would make anyone want to read what I have to say? I'm a no- name, vaguely talented, egotistical peon who's a downright dumb ass (and I say that as confidently as a self-deprecating bastard can). Indeed, I do desire a vast legion of readers and adoring fans but, unfortunately, it's eclipsed by one ironic paradox: I'd probably (no, definitely!) hate most of these motherfuckers. So you can see the predicament of my endeavor. May you be cursed to perform fellatio (or more likely cunnilingus) on Boy George if you can't.

Should I review music? Three Minute Record, a blolleague (blogger colleague) of mine, seems to have that down just fine. I'm sure he'd accommodate any reviews I might want to do. Movies? Books? Fashion? Art? Farts?!? Enough of that crap. Please. There is currently to much lame ass excess in those departments. Actually, it's precisely due to this that I know there's no God as sure he would have Sodom and Gomorrahed all these bitches a long, long time ago. I don't mean to rain on any parades, but if you're going to pursue any of these courses do it with some originality and thought, maintain some passion and purpose. Don't let your work be smeared in with the pap. (Pun most certainly intended) That's my biggest fear. That and being bit on the penis by a King Cobra.

Sure, I'm aware that what I'm doing here isn't exactly ground breaking. While there are definitely some creative and innovative juices pissing somewhere upwind in this ol' noggin of mine, a trend-setter or award-winner, I ain't. But unlike most people who just want to write their daily thoughts on their job, girlfriends/boyfriends or the type of peanut butter their dog licked off their balls last night (which is fun) , I want to do it just a wee bit differently. I want it done right, with plenty of humor, satire, wit, intellectual insight, purpose, and interest rampantly screaming all throughout. Basically, I don't want to bore anyone. Or their dogs.

So I guess I'll be writing about whatever the hell I want to on here. With no publication procedures, editors, fans, or an ethical compass, I've got nothing but wide open lanes, and, in the words of Judas Priest, I'm heading out to the highway. You'll see me. I'll be speeding home, fresh jar of peanut butter in tow.

So you see, I do have something to write about. And I hope you can find some entertainment in nothing at all.